My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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