why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
