Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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