i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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