mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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