Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
