My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
