My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
