My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You smell like a Billy Joel song
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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