I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
How external is "for external use only"?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
