I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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