I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
