the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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