Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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