You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
