Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
two words...techno handjob
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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