I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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