Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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