if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
