it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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