Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
