I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
