just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
