you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
