It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
