I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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