Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
