How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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