Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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