sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
