Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
