You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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