Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
