my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Randomize
