Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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