All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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