my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
