I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
