How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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