Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
