Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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