You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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