my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
