I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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