these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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