I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
