im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i came on her dog
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
