Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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