My nipple is on Facebook.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
