i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
