woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
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Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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