My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
