Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
