before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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