i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
