not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
