he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
