What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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